Okay well this is my very first blog... and to tell you the truth i'm not even sure how this works. But I'll try my best.
Let's start with a bit about me. I travel a lot, never lived at home (Austria), and currently located in Aberdeen, Scotland. The reason i'm blogging is because basically I just need something to talk to when i'm alone. Because my best friend just moved, and since she's gone i've been pretty much screwed.
So lets continue with my problems. My life's always been pretty fucked up and a wild ride. When i was little i always wanted it to be like that but now it's getting kind of old. I really wanted a sickness when i was young, an incurable one, so i could get attention. Don't ask why - i was a fucked up child. Anyway, about two years ago we found out i'm anaemic. But that's not too serious. I also have this thing on my knees where the muscle isn't properly developed so it hurts to run and stuff. But for that i have physio. I'm also allergic to every kind of plant or pollen or seed or whatever possible, so i have an inhaler and take medication.
Now we move onto my more personal problems. About a year ago i got my first serious boyfriend. Only problem - he lived in Austria while i was still in Scotland. But we were really good together so we tried a long distance relationship. But that turned out not being to good for me mentally. After 5 months i started cutting myself, burning myself, and hurting myself in every way possible. It was my only relief. I listened to music all the time, feeling like i related to all the songs, and thats when i first got into screamo. I also started playing the guitar and singing myself, but not in front of people. I started having trouble hiding my scars from friends and family, so i eventually told my best friend and my boyfriend. Instead of supporting me and helping me, my boyfriend got mad and said if i didn't stop he'd break up with me. Thats what triggered my bulimia - i wanted to be soo perfect for him, have to perfect body, so that he wouldn't wanna lose me, and if he did he would miss me. Nobody has ever know about my bulimia - i still suffer from it, but that for me is just a side problem that i'm not bothered to deal with.
Anyway, after all this i had my mental break down. I became clinically depressed and started smoking a lot. My boyfriend dumped me short after saying i'd turned into something else than what he fell in love with. That was after a 10 month relationship, one of these months he spent cheating on me with a girl i thought was my friend. After 3 months of going on like that i finally realised I was fucking up my life bad time... so i gathered all the strength i had left, quit smoking, freshened up, and just got right out of depression. If people now ask me how i did it, i truly don't know the answer. My therapist was amazed, because it's usually harder getting out of depression.
Recently then in the summer, my best friend moved (she helped me stop self harming). Again i felt completely hopeless and alone. But then while i visited home in Austria, i met the guy that i'm now proud to call my boyfriend. If it wasn't for him I would have sunk right back down into the black hole that i'd just gotten out of. Maybe even worse.
Now you might be thinking wtf why would i want another long distance relationship. And the answer is simple - i think i'm in love with this guy. Like the real deal. Which is amazing - my first time in love AGGHHHH! He was my first (if you know what i mean), and he really is the most amazing guy you can imagine. But i miss him a lot. Like really bad, and my best friend too. But he's coming to visit in October, so i have a countdown til then!
So yeah thats pretty much my lifes story, and the reason i created a blog was because today was a bad day... i've been crying mostly today, sitting all alone, wishing he was here. So i desperately needed a distraction and something to talk to. So yeah.
I'll be posting another blog soon-ish. depending on when i'm feeling lonely.
<3
-silentsuicide.
